matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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