i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
