why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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