Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
