New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
