shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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