someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize