she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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