You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
