The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
