Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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