Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
