absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize