he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
