"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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