My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
