You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
