My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
