god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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