she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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