Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My vagina just recognized that song.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he quoted the bible to break up with me
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.