True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Drunk is not a location!
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
