You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
