i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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