this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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