people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
