I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
