I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
