Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
