i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
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I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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