What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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