This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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