I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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