i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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