I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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