i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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