Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
