I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
People in love make me want to vomit
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
