I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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