Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
