$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
