Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
