Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
