its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Life is so much better after having sex.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
