everyone is single if you try hard enough
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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