Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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