Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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