i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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