For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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