i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
