Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
