We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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