Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
