There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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