Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
