Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
