i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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